Is your marriage following the wrong set of rules? | Musings by ...

After sitting with couples recently I began wondering if marriage isn?t somehow harder these days?? So many couples I know are wondering why they are unhappy ? fighting, distant, dissatisfied, hurting and exhausted.? One woman recently said to me, ?Marriage wasn?t supposed to be this way.? This is not what I signed up for.? We work all the time, struggle to make ends meet, are totally stressed out and frankly, too exhausted to be anything other than cranky toward each other.?

Life right now for many (if not most) young families is nothing short of brutal.? Nearly all of their physical energy, emotional energy, financial resources and time are exhausted by daily life.? They are up early, dropping kids off at school, off to work, home late, rushing through dinner and night chores, working some more and falling into bed two hours too late ? all to get up and do it again.? Nothing seems to be stretching to accommodate ? not their schedule, not their money, not their energy, not their time and certainly not their patience.? They are frustrated with life and far too often taking it out on each other.? ?Why couldn?t you ??; ?Why did you ??;? ?Why won?t? you ??; ?You never ??; ?You always ??; anger? silence ? distance ? despair ? loneliness.

Life and marriages surviving stressful times is not new to humanity.? We have done this before ? and we will do it again.? And while we may have said in our marriage vows, ?for better or worse?, something about this particular ?worse? is dissolving the resolve of married life ? and inviting people to attack and blame each other.? Somehow in this new economic landscape there is a type of disillusionment and resentment that seems a bit startling to many ? and I have begun to wonder what factors might be influencing our management of this stressful time.

Could it be that we have grown up believing that if we work hard and do the right thing that we will be saved from hardship? ?That somehow we are entitled to ease and happiness?

Could it be that we believe what the advertisers say ? ?If it is broken or old or not working like ?it should?, we can replace it with a new one??? As if we should never have to put up with anything not working perfectly or meeting our needs?

Could it be that since our work is industry and not a crop that we are less clear about hardship and how to manage it?? Rather than a season of drought, are we more likely to see hardship as someone?s fault?

Marriage and parenting follow a different set of rules then commerce.? Like other aspects of life ? it follows a spiritual set of rules and rhythms.? First and last, cold and hot, hard and easy, give and take, love and suffering.? There is no summer without a winter.? No summit without a climb.? No lush forest without rain. ?No beautiful garden without a lot of tending and work.? No fit body without a lot of sweat.? ?The? mystical, magical, challenging life of relationships asks us to love our partners and our children even when they are unlovable ? not because it is good for them or our relationship (which it is) but becasue it is good for US. ?When they struggle and fall we are asked to hold their hands, wipe their tears and help them stand.? We realize they are human ? and therefore fundamentally flawed and fundamentally valuable ? just like us.?? We watch as joy happens and sorrow happens ? and we slowly come to see that life is both elegant and uncertain.

While we may want to return their ugly behavior with our own ugly behavior ? we painfully come to notice that this makes all measures of suffering increase ? ours, theirs and the suffering in the relationship.? We come to see that we do not have to let our children or our partner?s behavior determine our own ? but that we always have a choice to be loving and just ? even when it is the hardest thing we do.? And when we make this choice our integrity grows, our confidence in our abilities soar and we become a more fulfilled person. Marriage is a paradox and a spiritual endeavor.? When we determine to notice our partner?s goodness and hold ourselves accountable to offer just and loving responses, we grow in grace and compassion.? We grow more and more into the person we were created to be.? Free to live and love in spite of life and because of life.

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Tina Schermer Sellers is a recognized scholar in the integration of spirituality into a multitude of areas represented in family and career life. As a behavioral scientist, licensed family therapist, medical family therapist, and certified sex therapist, she specializes in helping to craft relationships, organizations and lives that flourish. In the area of sexuality, Tina has spent a career helping people discover what culture has failed to teach them about their bodies, their hearts, their capacity for intimacy and their erotic potential.

Source: http://blog.tinaschermersellers.com/2012/03/28/is-your-marriage-following-the-wrong-set-of-rules/

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